Battered

TBT: to another lifetime ago. Maybe by sharing, it will help someone else know they are not alone.

If I have a choice, what do I choose
do I escape this place
do I run away
as far as no one can find me?
I have been struggling,
can’t settle down –
the cuts are deep. I try to heal
but it is hard to heal a hurt
deeper than the ocean.
I try but none of this is easy,
not as easy as bleeding words
angry, messed up,
stillborn on a white page.
How I feel nobody knows;
no one understands what
I have lived. Sometimes I hope
for a deep sleep and never
never wake up,
a kind of running away
from a sour reality.
But somehow I endure
suppress the hurts
pretend nothing is wrong.
Easy to say, isn’t it?
I cannot cry. I turn my face away
when he comes in,
hide the tears
hide the pain –
I’m afraid
they will inflame
and invite

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16 thoughts on “Battered

  1. Jennifer, this is incredibly powerful writing and I hoped it was fiction from you … but reading the comments think not. In which case I feel so sad for you or anyone who has to endure this kind of relationship. The force of the poem is as strong as the violence of the fist she constantly fears. One line stands out:
    ‘it is hard to heal a hurt
    deeper than the ocean’
    Blimey, I can sense the fathomless pain, the suffocating isolation and absolute loneliness.
    Your poem has given me much to ponder this morning.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Annika, the loneliness and feelings of isolation is what takes hold, but it has to be overcome in order to come out okay on the other side. As well as the guilt and self-blame. Notice the last lines where “she” thinks she is responsible for inflaming his violent temper and “inviting his fist again”.
      Ancient history, but no matter how many years go by, it hurts my heart to think of anyone going through this. A bit hard to share, but I hope it helps someone. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. How true that so often the victim blames themselves and it’s heartbreaking to witness this from the outside. Despite one’s best efforts the first step is seeing the abuse oneself … letting the person know support is always at hand.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes. The victim has to realize for herself that the break must be made for her own sanity and survival, as well as for the children, if there are any. When the escape is occurring, oftentimes the violence escalates and can be particularly dangerous, as the perpetrator feels as if he has nothing to lose. She needs a support system to be safe.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Jennifer, you crack my heart with this so strong and frightening piece. If you talk about
    you I just wish I could help. If you are just poetic, you are brilliant.
    “It’s hard to heal a hurt
    deeper than the ocean”.

    Indeed it is but never give up. We are all stronger and more brilliant than we want to give ourselves
    credit for. Stand up, look in that cracked mirror and tell yourself.
    Hug
    Miriam

    Liked by 1 person

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