If I have a choice, what do I choose
do I escape this place, do I run away
as far as no one can find me?
I have been struggling,
can’t settle down –
the cuts are deep. I try to heal
but it is hard to heal a hurt
deeper than the ocean.
I try but none of this is easy,
not as easy as bleeding words
angry, messed up,
stillborn on a white page.
How I feel nobody knows;
no one understands what
I have lived. Sometimes I hope
for a deep sleep and never
never wake up,
a kind of running away
from a sour reality.
But somehow I endure
suppress the hurts
pretend nothing is wrong.
Easy to say, isn’t it?
I cannot cry. I turn my face away
when he comes in,
hide the tears, hide the pain –
I’m afraid
they will inflame and
invite his fist again.
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Jennifer's Journal 
Reblogged this on and commented:
TBT: to another lifetime ago. Maybe by sharing, it will help someone else know they are not alone.
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This is very moving and powerful and my heart breaks for you. xo
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Thank you. And thank God it is all over.
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I think for me,it will never be fully over. I can heal and lead a better life, but there will always be residual damage that anyone would have to cope with.
God is a part of my life too, but he never promised it would be easy.
I believe baring a miracle, the only way to heal is to work hard in therapy.
We can’t sweep it under the carpet. It won’t go away, it will only get bigger.
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In your case, I think the scars run deeper because you were a child, not to mention how your parents, the people who should have protected you, betrayed you. But yes, there is healing. I hope you come out of this alright. Hugs!!!
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Hugs to you too!
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very powerfull
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Thank you.
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Quite a moving piece. It hits home hard.
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Thank you, and thanks for stopping by again.
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So powerful.
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Thank you.
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Yeah I have lived in it, it is not nice.
Sorry I asked xx I had to.
And yeah it happens still…Why?
I am always around.
Shaun
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VERY powerful words.
Do you live with intolerance?
Shaun x
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No, Shaun, Thankfully I do not, but it hurts me to think of this happening every day all around us. Thanks for stopping by. x
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WOW! Powerful!!!! This is very well said. May I be so bold as to ask if it is from personal experience? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.
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Thanks, Diana. It was something I had to deal with many years ago, let me put it that way.
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I’m glad that you came out alright Jennifer. Thank you for answering my question.
xo
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Wow. Well written and very powerful.
Your Daughter
Denise
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Thank you, Denise. As I said above, difficult to write, but a very important issue. xo
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I found you through Ionia. I know this touches a chord with so many! My husband and I were musing on Easter Sunday of the Easter in 1978 when we woke up to find our sweet neighbor shivering on our step after her husband beat her for not hanging up his trousers and then threw her out in the cold of a New York night. Of course she went back to him after we took her to the ER, and of course he did it again. We finally moved, and I never learned what became of her, but I’ve often wondered through the years.
Many, many years later I had the chance to help my sister escape from the husband who was emotionally abusing her and who had torn her down until my beautiful, vibrant sister was a shadow of herself. By God’s grace, cancer finally took him before he could actually do her any physical harm, but she and her children will bear the emotional scars to the end of their days. I like to think there’s a specially hot corner in hell reserved for men like these two. Does that make me an evil person? I don’t know; I just know that all I can do is pick up whatever pieces I can and trust God to do the rest.
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Thank you for commenting.
This is the saddest part: returning to the abusive relationship, and it often happens many times before the necessary break is finally made. Only a tiny fraction of abusers will change, so this is an unrealistic hope.
I don’t think what you said makes you an evil person, just a concerned and compassionate one. I often think about the poor souls who have no family or friends to help them, nowhere to turn when they need a safe haven.
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“I cannot cry I turn my face away
when he comes in
hide the tears
hide the pain
I’m afraid
they will inflame”
Very powerful words.
You have captured the essence of this terrible issue in your words.
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Thank you, Elizabeth. It is a difficult issue to write about, but an important one to discuss and raise awareness. We need to be doing whatever we can to protect others and to promote zero tolerance for domestic violence.
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Jennifer, your poem is SO on time for a good friend of mine who just expressed to me today that she wants:
” a deep sleep and never
never wake up
a kind of running away too
from sour reality…”
She was savagely beaten by her boyfriend. I will share your words/poem with her. I attempted to do justice to this topic of violence against women in my novel, Lime. We must make our/their voices known. Thank you!
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I don’t know what to say. This disturbs me greatly. But I do know she has to get away from this monster, and she will need help to do it. May God (and her friends!) help her.
Jennifer x
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AMEN!
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Reblogged this on readful things blog and commented:
I totally agree;)
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Thank you, ioniamartin!
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Well done and so sad, Jennifer. It is just as sad that spouses are being abused verbally too.
Blessings ~ Wendy
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You are so right, Wendy. Verbal abuse is toxic. Thank you for your comment.
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Jennifer powerful words, sad to say, so many can relate to this. Left me feeling sad and thinking of others in this kind of struggle. We all know someone going through this.
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Kath, it hurts my heart to know that this goes on. Thank you for your comment.
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Soooooo emotionally infused, powerful!
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That’s what I was going for, Andy.
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You most definitely brought it out 🙂
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amazing xx
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Thank you, Carla.
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